She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
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What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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