Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
