he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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