Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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