Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
