I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
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nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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