I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
