Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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