Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
