I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
