he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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