You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
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Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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