When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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