so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
