So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
