Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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