Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
