He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
