i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
