I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
