he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
