when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
