I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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