I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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