im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
