I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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