a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
