All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
