Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
