you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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