is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
