i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
