someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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