im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
