the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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