just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
