Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
