He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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