I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
