Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
