It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
