at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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