I think scott just propositioned me for sex
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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