you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
