Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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