This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
