We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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