All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
