everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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