im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
