i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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