Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
