cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
