I cockslap morals
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
