My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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