i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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