omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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