come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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